Love and Respect

 I would like to dedicate this blog to my wife Glenda, one of the most loving, big hearted and generous people I know.  

These are trying times for us as I go through the painful healing process.  Glenda is every bit a part of my recovery and what I am going through.  I know that she feels frustrated that she can not do more.

I would like everyone to send her an e-mail, comment or positive thought showing your love and support for her.  I know it would mean a lot.

For Glenda

by James Metcalfe

With all my heart

There is no creature on this earth

So lovable and true

So charming and considerate

And wonderful as you

You are the glory of my day

The magic of my night

And in your eyes my eyes behold

A warm and friendly light

Oh, I could sail the seven seas

And wander far and near

And I would never find a soul

So helpful and sincere

You are the world and all to me

Wherever I may go

In valleys green with clover or

On mountain peaks of snow

I love you with my every thought

And everything I do

And every hour of my life

My heart belongs to you

I know longer use the “C” word when I talk about my condition.  I would like everyone to forget about the past and just focus on my future now.  If you would be so kind to send these positive prayers, thoughts and visualizations my way.

Brian is healed and disease free.  

Brian’s organs are healthy and functioning normally.

Brian’s cells are being renewed and restored.

I had a dream last night that I was an eagle flying over our property.  Good sign I would say! 

Thanks and lot’s of love to everyone.  I hope all is well and I can connect with everyone soon.

Brian

Hello Again

I’m back

I know I have lost a lot of you by not staying in better touch but I needed to take some time off.  Not just because of my lack of energy but I was having trouble mustering coherent thoughts.

It has been over 6 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I am coming around.  The last round beat me up pretty good so I have decided to take some time off to recover.  I still have my good and bad days but I feel much better.  I am trying to take it real easy but my "wanna do" list is long and it is very hard.

I am very weak and can’t do much but I am getting stronger and have put on a few pounds.  I can now do a girls pushup.  I have even gotten a little peach fuzz growing back. 

This has been one heck of a journey so far.  I have learned so much, grown and evolved.  I can't imagine what is still in store for me as this adventure journey continues down the road.  

I believe I have made the best decisions that I could along the way and everyone has shown great support.  I can't tell you how helpful all your love and support has been.  Thank you from all of my heart.

I will keep you informed on how I am as we go along but I doubt I will go into any specifics on my condition.  I view myself as healed.  That is what I tell myself several times a day.  Praise God, I am healed!  I am now going through a repair and rebuilding period.  

I still need and want your love and support.  I am not out of the woods yet and have a long battle still in front of me.

I believe there is no more disease progression at this point and it is all about repair  and renewal.  That is what my faith is locked in on and that is what I would like you locked in on as well.

For any one still out there, I can use more of your good positive healing visualizations and prayers.  

That my tumor continues to be devoured and eliminated.  

That all the little sick cells of my body are being replaced by healthy happy ones.  

That my organs are disease free and functioning normally.  

I go back for further testing on April 20th and I am visualizing a 50% reduction in the tumor by that time.

As I recover, and have less exciting hospital drama to share, I will probably transition this blog to something even more exciting, like the reclamation of our property, hence the name “Hills of Dreams”.  Oh Boy!  

So, till next time.  Lot's of love,

Brian

Update number two from Glenda

Hi Everyone,

We are having a good week – Brian is better and in good spirits. Many of the side effects of the chemo are quickly abating. He has started driving again and has resumed more normal activities around the house. His appetite is good and he is no longer restricted to bland, gooey foods. Good – I was getting tired of oatmeal!

Brian has asked me to say the following to you: “I have decided that I no longer want to use the blog to talk about my condition. I have learned that by talking about it, I am perpetuating the condition by forming a consensus of fact among my family and friends that I have this condition. Instead we should all think of me and visualize me as healthy and strong.

The words we speak and the thoughts we think all create our reality. We should think and speak about how we want things to be and not about what we see or are told. From now on I would like everyone to visualize me as healthy, disease-free and happy! It is fine to ask me how I am feeling, but please don’t ask for specific details."

Our faith is strong that Brian will be completely healed and all of our energy is devoted in that direction.

We will still post blogs once a week or so but won’t include details as we have in the past.

We are grateful for the love and prayers of our friends. Thank you so much.

Love to all,
Glenda

Update number one from Glenda

Hi everyone,

Brian and I are in Houston - I know it has been awhile since you have heard from us so we wanted to let you know that we are just fine. Last week we went to Florida for some special healing for Brian and he is much better - we had a great experience there and I can tell that he has more energy, more color in his face, more clarity in his eyes and more spirit overall. I even think he is taller! We flew back to Austin Sunday night and drove directly from the Austin airport to Houston for testing at MD Anderson on Monday and doctors' appointments Wednesday and Thursday - then home Thursday night (hopefully in time for my 9 pm soccer game). We don't know for sure what the doctors will say, of course, but we anticipate that they will want to set up the next round of chemo for him. I will let you know after we hear the results of the testing and the recommendations from the doctors.



Brian wanted me to tell you that he received a recommendation in Florida that he not blog at all for the next three weeks as it is taking too much of his energy, and that he modify his blogging afterward as well to include fewer details. Some people believe that once you put anything negative out into the universe, it lives there forever. You probably have figured out by now that I am not much of a blogger myself but I promise to update whenever there is new news.



Love to all,

Glenda

Gollum?

I'm sorry I am late posting this.  Those two and three hour daily naps really interfere with my time management skills.  

I am better, but my recovery seems to be taking a little longer this time.  I think that shot they gave me for my bone marrow is causing a lot of the aches and pains and fatigue.  I had labs run today and they said that my WBC’s were actually running high.  They attributed that to the shot.  That might also explain why I have been coughing like crazy.  I have had to increase my daily oral chemo medicine.  That might explain my headaches, hot flashes, and poor appetite.  Nothing

 tastes good.  I am having trouble getting enough calories and I have not gained any weight yet.  I had this realization today, as I was getting ready to shower and looking at myself in the mirror, that I look a lot like Gollum from the “Lord of the Rings” movies.  How embarrassing is that?

I have been cautioned to keep everything I post on my blog positive since what ever I post will linger out in the universe for quite some time.  I guess I should go back through my blogs and edit them.  I have tried to be realistic and factual but I am sure some of my stuff is on the negative side.  Of course, like the news, the bad stuff makes the most interesting stories.  Please let me know if there is something that I have posted that might negatively impact me in the future.  (like the Gollum thing)  I know that when I am in the brain fog place or hurting, I am not as positive, and it influences what and how I write.  I want to be real but I don't want to create future problems for myself either.  So let me know, and I will consider it.

OK, so I wrote something I want to share.  It started off as song lyrics then kind of morphed more into a poem or something.  I am not sure what to call it.  I know it needs some work, let me know what you think.

Void stills don’t look back

Solo passage thru the night

What appears bad is good

But can’t be understood

Boat adrift in choppy seas

Bow pointing randomly

Final destination unrevealed

It is such a mystery

I repeat the words in my head

But my pain is real

Soft places visualized

I know what I feel

This long journey is adverse

Precarious paths to traverse

I will fight the fight

Until I see the light

I know that he has a plan

I am his special lamb

He cradles me this foreign night

Until I have found my sight

I know I am in his hands

There is no place I’d rather be

My prayers are answered 

I have been received

I am heading to Florida tomorrow for some divine counseling and healing work.

The following week, I will be at MDA in Houston for lab and CT’s and to meet with the oncologist and surgeon.  It will be interesting to see what they all have to say.  Let’s pray for the best.

Lot's of Love to everybody.  Thanks so much for your love and support.

Brian

Update

I visited the Oncologist on Monday.  He was happy and seemed to think the chemotherapy has been working compared to how I first presented to him.  He was not happy about my weight loss and thinks I have lost too much weight. He was happy with all my lab work, although my oral chemo agent was not at the desired levels and it looks like I am going to have to increase that dosage.  He wanted me to get re-evaluated at MDA next week so we could start the next cycle of chemo the following week.  Whoa doggie - I was feeling like crap and the thought of another round made me panic.  I became weepy and thought I couldn't possibly go through this again.  It is hard to fully explain my emotions at the time.  I guess I felt defeated, like the wind had been knocked out of me.  It was probably all timing.   I told him I could not entertain any thoughts of more chemo at this time.  He said that he understood and that my chemo regime is going to leave me feeling like crap for a while but by next week, I will be feeling good and ready to start again.  Oh yeah right, what is he thinking.  I guess it was not realistic of me to think that I would be done with chemo after just two rounds but I was hopeful.  I will wait and see what MDA has to say.

I have contacted MDA but have not heard back yet.  I am a little nervous about the next CT scan.  On one hand, I know there has been improvement which I am anxious to see.  On the other hand, from the Pavlov’s dog, negative reinforcement perspective, I have not had good experiences with MRI and CT findings.

I have been slowly getting better.  Each day I see an improvement in energy and less of the just feeling like crap. I am still achy all over and very tired and weak.  Often, I will have either chills or hot flashes, especially at night.  I have started sneezing a lot but the hiccups are gone.  I also have no more leg swelling with standing and sitting.  I am walking more with less discomfort because of that, but I am still weak and unstable.  It is common for me to run into things.  I have been able to sleep longer.  Instead of getting up every hour or two, I am able to sleep three to four hours at a time.  Eating is still an issue.  I must be getting better since I have started working on last years paperwork for taxes.  I guess that is as good a measure of how well I am doing as anything.

I had an ugly, brutal dream the other night.  I have never had anything like it before.  I am not sure what it means.  I have had various scary dreams before but nothing like this.  I was trying to think back if there was a news event or movie that might have triggered it but can't think of anything.  Please do not read this if you are sensitive to violence and blood/gore.  As dreams usually go, it was very graphic so I won’t describe it in detail.  I am almost embarrassed to post this but I was hoping someone good at dream interpretation could explain it.   

I was watching a typical rugby game where the two teams were competing and one team was getting close to the goal line.  For some reason two players started having words and shoving each other.  Both were stocky, well built.  The defender had blond hair and was clean shaven in a light colored uniform and the other guy, on the offensive side and in a gray uniform, had brown hair with long side burns and one of those big thick mustaches. Their disagreement escalated to shoving and punching and wrestling.  As they were  trying to get one another into headlocks, the guy with the mustache head butted the blond guy.  The blond guy was dazed and hurt and kind of unsteady on his feet.  He turned around and bent over holding his nose, when the brown haired guy took both of his fists overhead and came down with all his strength, hitting the blond guy square in the back.  This knocked the blond guy down to his knees.  The guy with the mustache jumped on his back and put his head next to the other guys and proceeded to tear off the guys ear with his teeth.  He lifted his head, with the bloody ear hanging out and spit it out.  Then he grabbed the guys head and bit into his scalp and pulled a big swatch of bloody scalp and hair off of the blond guys head.  At this point I woke up. Oh my God, where the hell did this kind of brutal dream come from?  Is it my toxic medication?  Is there a message in there?  I really was not going to share this but it was so disturbing and I am at a loss to explain that something like that came out of me.  I am sorry if this is over share but I am using this blog kind of like a journal.  Well, I didn't share with you the erotic dream I had a few weeks ago, but that wasn't disturbing like this.  Any thoughts?

Hopefully, I will only have fun, light, upbeat postings in the future.  Thanks again for all the love and support.

Brian

Ugghh!

(Cartoon courtesy of Buck Cash)

I have been too much of a zombie to get anything posted this weekend.  I have been sitting around, staring off, moaning and groaning and communicating to Glenda in low mono syllabic grunts

I got my last two days of chemo on Thursday and Friday.  Pretty much uneventful except for the after effects.

This has been a miserable weekend.  I am totally wiped out.  Feel like a zombie.  It is like having a really bad flu bug with out the congestion.  I am very weak.  Unstable on my feet.  Sore and achy all over.   I have a bad case of hand tremors.

My mouth is getting sores.  My teeth ache.  I have had several bad headaches that Tylenol has not touched.  I am cold all day even wearing a hat, long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt and house coat.

I have been able to keep the nausea to a minimum but I almost threw up this morning a couple of times.  As close as I have come so far.

If I yawn too wide, my lips will crack even though I put chap stick on every 5 minutes

I have to be very careful not to bump into anything even slightly as I will bruise or swell

I weighed in at 147 lbs this morning, the lowest to date.  I went outside and I guess it was bit too windy cause I blew across the drive and tumbled into the rock wall.  I was able to crawl back to the house and get back inside before the wind got a hold of me again. (just kidding)   

I have no appetite and nothing tastes good.  I try and nibble on this and that, trying to find something I can eat to get some food and calories in me but it is hard to find any thing appealing.  The less I eat, the more nausea I get since my stomach is empty.  I am very sensitive to smell and most food smells make me queasy.  Even the thought of certain foods or if Glenda suggests a food, is enough to set me off.  There is very little I can drink.  Water is tough to get down, juice is too sweet and irritates my mouth, shakes are too rich and smoothies irritate my mouth and I can’t use raw fruit any how.  Even bananas are irritating now.  I spend a lot of time prowling in the kitchen.  It might take a dozen trips over an hours time to decide what I can stomach.

I am back visualizing the young resilient tree in the wind.  I am laying low, trying to weather the worst of the storm.

Till next time.  I appreciate your positive, nurturing thoughts.

Love,

Brian