I'm sorry I am late posting this. Those two and three hour daily naps really interfere with my time management skills.
I am better, but my recovery seems to be taking a little longer this time. I think that shot they gave me for my bone marrow is causing a lot of the aches and pains and fatigue. I had labs run today and they said that my WBC’s were actually running high. They attributed that to the shot. That might also explain why I have been coughing like crazy. I have had to increase my daily oral chemo medicine. That might explain my headaches, hot flashes, and poor appetite. Nothing
tastes good. I am having trouble getting enough calories and I have not gained any weight yet. I had this realization today, as I was getting ready to shower and looking at myself in the mirror, that I look a lot like Gollum from the “Lord of the Rings” movies. How embarrassing is that?
I have been cautioned to keep everything I post on my blog positive since what ever I post will linger out in the universe for quite some time. I guess I should go back through my blogs and edit them. I have tried to be realistic and factual but I am sure some of my stuff is on the negative side. Of course, like the news, the bad stuff makes the most interesting stories. Please let me know if there is something that I have posted that might negatively impact me in the future. (like the Gollum thing) I know that when I am in the brain fog place or hurting, I am not as positive, and it influences what and how I write. I want to be real but I don't want to create future problems for myself either. So let me know, and I will consider it.
OK, so I wrote something I want to share. It started off as song lyrics then kind of morphed more into a poem or something. I am not sure what to call it. I know it needs some work, let me know what you think.
Void stills don’t look back
Solo passage thru the night
What appears bad is good
But can’t be understood
Boat adrift in choppy seas
Bow pointing randomly
Final destination unrevealed
It is such a mystery
I repeat the words in my head
But my pain is real
Soft places visualized
I know what I feel
This long journey is adverse
Precarious paths to traverse
I will fight the fight
Until I see the light
I know that he has a plan
I am his special lamb
He cradles me this foreign night
Until I have found my sight
I know I am in his hands
There is no place I’d rather be
My prayers are answered
I have been received
I am heading to Florida tomorrow for some divine counseling and healing work.
The following week, I will be at MDA in Houston for lab and CT’s and to meet with the oncologist and surgeon. It will be interesting to see what they all have to say. Let’s pray for the best.
Lot's of Love to everybody. Thanks so much for your love and support.
Brian
6 comments:
Brian, I like your poem/lyrics. Keep adding to it, as you battle the unseen evil in the darkness of your illness.
The priest/philosopher Jean Vanier said "Jesus the Healer comes when we are conscious that we need a healer..."
Ps 46 "God is for us a refuge and strength, a helper close at hand, in time of distress."
Ps 30:3 "O Lord, I cried to you for help and you, my God, have healed me."
With prayers of courage, endurance, strength, hope, and healing for you - love Rick
I heard some one read this at an event last month and it has stuck with me. It applies to any and all of us who walk and breathe and long for peace and forgiveness.
Letting Yourself Be Loved
No one has ever prepared us for this experience,
We think it's the end - no,
It's another beginning.
It's knowing that you are loved,
It's not easy, letting yourself be loved,
Because we've learned to judge ourselves,
We're always judging ourselves.
But I've learned to listen that I was loved. I am loved!
But then I would forget that I was loved.
Those were the most painful times for me...
Forgetting that I was loved.
So you've let yourself be loved while you've been here.
And you judged yourself.
And you've forgotten that you were loved,
And you became alone...but you will always be here.
You are blessed, you are forgiven, you are an angel.
You have to listen that you are loved and you have to forgive all the time.
Thank you for letting me love you,
Thank you for letting yourself be loved.
Hey Brian,
I am such a music lover and am alway jealous of people who can write lyrics - keep it up!
I love all kinds of music and listen to so much musics that I tend to seek out the unusual. I have a song for you - Permanent by David Cook. Everytime I hear it I think of you and want to tell you that God wants you to "lay your head and rest because he is permanent". As hard as it may seem, this phase of your life, as miserable as it is, is only temporary. Everything is life is temporary, but God is permanent. He is also the great healer and as such will certainly heal you, I just know it.
As to your blog, keep blogging. Yes, there will be down times and then there will be good times. But just know that all of your followers love you very much and we all pray for you daily if not more. I check the site everyday just waiting to hear from you - keep those positive cancer eating thoughts coming - death to Clyde!
Love,
Renee
Hi Brian
We've been away for a while, off in wamer climes which was nice. I thought of you a bunch so it's good to be able to catch up on your blog now that we're home. I thought your dream was interesting. I dream so much and so vividly that I keep a dream dictionary at hand and I just looked yours up. The short version is that the basic meaning of fighting is change - the rest of the blurb wasn't relevant to the details you gave. There wasn't anything under rugby.....
Continuously wishing you the best and praying hard for you!!!
Tanya xx
Gollum.
Words on a page, and pictures from a cinema of a great story - a story nevertheless. Given your weakened state, an apt demonization as you saw yourself for that split second. Do not linger there, for such is only an apparition to divert you from The True Path of Enlightenment. Recognize it for what it is and continue your journey. No price can be put on what you give, no price can be put on what you will in turn receive.
beautiful poetry my friend. looking forward to hearing it in song. sorry i have missed you lately, but you are always in my thoughts.
Namaste
~b
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