I had to be get my blood drawn at 8:30 Thursday morning so we drove back to Houston Wednesday night. I had a PET scan scheduled for mid day so we grabbed a late bite when we got to Houston about 10 at night.
Blood draw was quick and painless then we ran down to medical records to get copies of some reports. I said good bye to Glenda and checked into nuclear medicine at 10:30. I was already getting hungry. I had to sit for about a half hour so took a seat and started reading.
An elderly couple sat down next to me. She was talking real loud on her cell phone, something about her son's hernia and how he couldn't do a thing.
The gentleman, kind of leaned over real close and asked "what you in for?"
I could hear his hearing aids squealing.
"I'm here for a PET scan."
He looked around and leaned closer "no, I mean what you got?"
I wasn't sure why he was leaning so close to me because he wasn't whispering. I was a little a uncomfortable and looked around. "They are not sure yet, but they think it is adrenal cancer."
"Adrenal Cancer? Hmmm, I haven't heard that one before. I have prostate cancer." He continued "I had lung cancer too but that is in remission now. You know this is the best place to come for cancer."
"Yah, that's what I hear." I said
His hearing aids were really squealing now and he kept trying to adjust them. "I also have bad ears."
I finally figured out he kept leaning closer to me so he could watch my lips.
"See that guy over there sleeping in the recliner?" He pointed across the room. " He has prostate cancer too. He seems to be doing pretty well."
"Oh good." I stated
"You know, I had my hips replaced."
"Oh really?"
"Oh yah, not a bit of trouble. I was walking the next day and just have a little scar." "You see I'm an RV'er" .....
This went on for some time, I won't bore you with the details but it turns out he found out about this place in Maine that does hip replacements through the RV magazine he gets. Nice guy, but I didn't mind when a lady near bye asked him where he was from and he scooted on over next to her.
They called me back, set me up in this recliner chair and said I could not cross my legs.
They did a finger stick for blood glucose and then they proceeded to insert the IV line. I should have know something was up the way the lady kept smacking my thumb and wrist to get the vein to pop up.
I asked "why are going for that small vein over my thumb when there are so many other good ones. "
"Oh no," she said "this is a nice one"
My hand was stinging at this point. She must have smacked it a dozen times. It is no wonder when she stuck in the needle she hit a nerve of something. I jumped and growled as she kept trying to work it in.
"This isn't right, you hit something." I moaned. My whole hand was on fire like when you hit your funny bone real hard.
" I don't know what you mean sir, everything looks fine. Please relax your hand."
"I can't, it's on fire. What ever nerve or tendon you hit won't let me."
"Mmmm, well let me see if I can fix it."
I was so mad, my energy level very high. I hate to be rude to people, but some just don’t get it
She started prodding the area.
"That does not help!"
“Well I will have to take it out and start over if it is not ...”
"Oh no" I interupted “If it is in now, just leave it and let the numbness pass."
She hooked a saline syringe to it and started injecting the fluid. I grimaced, it hurt but I could handle it. At least I could feel the fluid going up my arm. I told her it was fine and I could feel it and taste it, but didn’t believe me. She would inject a little, push on the site, inject a little, look at it, inject, prod, over and over.
"It's fine." I told her again
"Maybe i should redo it."
Oh, Man, I think she is jerking me now. I was starting to get pissed again.
She stepped out and brought in the supervisor. He looked at it and asked if I could feel it going up my arm and taste it. I said yes and he said it would work.
She decided to push some more saline into my vein one last time to convince herself.
She came back with this big heavy metal cylinder that must have been 4 or 5 inches in diameter with a syringe sticking out of the middle of it.
OH man, now this is some heavy duty radioactive material. I can’t believe I got dosed with radioactive material twice in a month. If I didn’t have cancer before.....
I thought, if only I had one of those glo sticks so I could put it under the covers and freak Glenda out that night.
She told me to remember not to cross my legs. She injected the syringe and followed it with more saline solution. She finished up, pulled the IV out and told me I had to lay there for an hour with very little movement and said again not to cross my legs.
I laid there, bored out of my mind. I couldn’t quite doze. Some cute nurse (cutest so far) came and got me after an hour and said I needed to empty my bladder before the test. I asked if I could cross my legs and she laughed.
Test went fine, boring, just laying on my back. At least we were on time and I could eat before my meeting with the surgeon.
Surgeon’s Office
He greeted us very warmly. (too warmly, I wonder? hmmm...) He answered all of our questions, went over all the reports and told us where we were at.
I have decided not to blog the specifics of what MDA has found. I will share via e-mail, phone or in person if you promise it will not change or thoughts, behavior, energy, optimism or love toward me. I do not want to throw out a lot of depressing negative energy and would rather have nothing but positive energy. I really want to tackle all this with humor and optimism and it is hard enough keeping myself on track with out having to deal with another persons fears and apprehensions. So far I have gotten nothing but incredible love and support from all you. Thank you so very much. It means more than I can ever say.
What I will tell you, using some of the surgeons words. The main mass is growing and has invaded other organs. He does not know how aggressive it is. It is significant and advanced and life threatening. It is not the worst he has seen but it is up there. If he were to try to classify it, which is hard, since it is a rare tumor and a more challenging and complicated case, he would just say it is stage IV with distal metastasis.
He told us that he as seen worse cases respond. He also thinks that my good health is a major factor and greatly improves the likelihood of a favorable outcome.
Ride Home
The news was kind of what we knew already. I called my family on the way home and told them. I was far more emotional talking to my brother Paul and his wife Lin than I was with my Mom. I was very upbeat with her and minimized everything about it. Paul and Lin said the most powerful prayers for me that I have ever heard. I could actually feel the energy. It was pretty amazing.
Thanks for following along. I know many of you want to more of the specifics about how I feel and treatment decisions. I will go over some of that on the next blog. Those who want to know more specifics on what the test results show can e-mail me and I will call you or just e-mail back. I always get more emotional talking specifics. More reality I guess, but I think it is good for me. I had a tough Friday, so this is late getting out.
Please keep the comments coming. I really enjoy them and get a lot out of them. I appreciate your time.
Love,
Brian
7 comments:
Brian,
I have always felt, like the surgeon, that you are young (okay relativily speaking) and strong with a great attitude. I believe attitude is really such a big part of the battle. While I have never gone through this, I have been by Chaka's side as she went through her battles and watched an incredibly strong and optimistic person pull through with even better health. I, in my heart, hold that for you as well and only see you completely healed.
Hope to hear you play music soon.
Love you, M
Brian,
What insightful passages. I feel so much for you. Thank you for the snow pictures- the best I've seen from that day.
Love to y'all-
Joaq
Hey brother-in-law! I think you and your blog are awesome! Those doctors don't know you and Glenda very well! They've met their match when it comes to sheer determination, faith and inner positive power!!! With that and the chemo, ol' Clyde doesn't stand a chance!!! I love you! Sandi
dear Brian,
I've just read all of your blogs again, from the very start to the one you posted this morning. (I've always known you were an extraordinary photographer; now I'm discovering what a profoundly gifted writer you are, as well. Thank you for sharing your writings with us.)
As I read back over the postings, I was struck by something that I read in the Mountain Lion sighting post: "Your first step is to never hike alone. Always go in groups and always make noise when in areas that mountain lions frequent and live. The noise you make will generally scare the lion away and halt any confrontation."
To me, I see your sighting of the mountain lion as something akin to the dream you had about the long corridor, both as messengers with gifts for your healing journey.
My great-grandmother, a beautifully dark skinned, silver haired woman, first told me about animal medicine. Here's more: "Animal medicine is a tradition passed down through generations of Native American tribes including Choctaw, Seneca, Aztec, Lakota, Yaqui, Cherokee, Cheyenne and Mayan civilizations. It is a belief in the ability to gain insight and understanding of our inner natures and life through careful observation of, and spiritual alignment with animals. In its basic form animal medicine refers to the essence of each animal’s spirit in the animal kingdom, which, according to the tradition, relays a specific lesson for those with a desire to learn. In a broader sense every animal imparts many lessons. The “medicine” one gains aids in healing spirit, mind and body through expanding the awareness of self, and in doing so, of each person’s place on the "Medicine Wheel" of life. Mountain lion medicine, for example, imparts lessons on leadership, or balancing power. The mountain lion is king of the jungle, but only kills what it needs to survive. It balances its power like it balances its body, gracefully leaping with perfect agility to land posed to strike or to observe." (this is an excerpt from http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-native-american-animal-medicine.htm)
Like the mountain lion, I see you practicing the skill of killing what you need to kill, in order to survive (eg, the mass), while balancing your power between a readiness to strike (for instance, taking on that nurse who gave you the nasty poke on Thursday - "This isn't right, you hit something") - with the powerful observations you are making, such as the dream and its rich sense of meaning, and feeling the strong emotions that arose as you talked with your brother and his wife.
And to the dream: from your posting "There was an intense connection with each person. I was really seeing them. I felt a very strong heart connection with several. Compassion, despair, love, fear, hopeful optimism, apprehension were just a few of the emotions displayed to me. The whole gamut of human expression was there. The line of what I assume were, well wishers and observers, was long. I was routed to one spot and did not even turn my head to look forward or back. I was just locked into people as I passed. Expressionless myself, but taking it all in, absorbing every face, tear, expression, all in high definition technicolor."
This passage in your dream reminds me of the experience I had years ago, when I was in a serious car accident and was thrown from my car. I had the distinct experience of having a choice: to stay on earth or go to heaven. It was the faces of so many friends and loved ones, and people who I didn't yet know but later came to meet, that gave me the overwhelming sense that it wasn't time yet, not yet time. And so I stayed. And the Voice that I can recall as clearly as if it were moments ago, was present with me, speaking the truth that God is Love and God is Always With Us.
Returning to the passage in the Mountain Lion posting: "Your first step is never to hike alone".
"Christ says "Wherever two or more are gathered in my name, there I am." To be gathered in his name is to see beyond the illusion of the separate self and realize that deep down, we are not separate but are actually interdependent and interconnected. This realization collapses the boundary between spirit and matter, between the inner and the outer, between the self in here and the world out there." (from http://www.newconnexion.net/article/09-00/2ormore.html).
Stuart made a remarkable statement to our counselor the day after his cancer diagnosis. He said "At first, I just wanted to get this thing out of me, as fast as possible. Then I thought - hey, wait a minute, somehow this came from inside of me. I want to know what the gift is in this, too - how will I be changed, in positive ways."
Brian, I have a strong sense that one aspect of the dream is to reveal a passage into the next part of your life - a part that will be different from what you've known up until now, yet better, filled with unexpected emotions and deeper connections, where you're not only seeing but are also being seen, your light being revealed as the beautiful soul that you are. And Glenda being equally transformed by the journey that you're on together, for it is true that you have the diagnosis and the treatments are yours to take on, yet together you are interdependent and interconnected and the weavings of your lives and love will be the quilt to keep you warm and cozy on this journey.
Regardless of how bleak the diagnosis may seem - do not curl into a ball and allow the attack to overtake you. As with a mountain lion - rise above it, stand tall, make lots of noise (yes, crying out and screaming are well advised!) - and know that others are willing to make noise along with you. Seek them out, those who will make eye contact, who will not turn away afraid for you, because it is not fear or pity that will get you through this, it is the unsurpassed strength of faith, hope and love - along with healthy doses of humor and optimism - that will see you (and Glenda) through the corridor and to the new life that awaits you on the other side of this transformative passage.
With love and light,
L
Dear Brian, Your brother Paul and I have informed the rest of your family and relatives about your unfortunate illness. We said a group prayer for you at the Christmas get-together today, and I hope you'll benefit soon from our prayer requests. Paul videotaped personal messages from members of your extended family, and you should be getting those soon. We love you dearly, and hope for the best outcome from your treatments. We prayed that your Faith in God and the Church will grow stronger, that you will have abundant Courage to help you fight the good fight against "Clyde", that you will continue to flourish in the Hope for your healing, and that you will continue to feel all the prayers of Love and healing that your family members are sending your way. Brian, as St. Paul prayed, I also pray for you to "rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, and persevere in prayer." with brotherly Love, Rick
Hello my friend,
First thanks for the mail today. Being your new neighbor, I have the misfortune not to know you as well as your other friends, but I am fortunate to tell you what I think, how I feel and try to help you understand what your friends, speaking for myself, wish, hope and feel for you. I understand you not wanting to include what you found out at MDA on your blog. However, I need you to know you are totally underestimating what you mean to me. What Glenda mean to me. Whatever it is, has absolutely nothing to do with our friendship, as I have loved you since I meet you and Glenda. What ever the news is, will not change my attitude toward you, will not make me feel sorry for you, will not make me have pity for you, it will only make our friendship stronger. So my wish for you is to realize that this does not have to be a private journey for you. Only if you need and want it to be. If that is the case i totally will respect your decision. However by keeping us out you are also keeping us out of seeing the miracle that is going to happen. Perhaps you have many friends that you are very close to and are truly afraid to upset them and have to deal with their feelings. I do not know your friends, but have meet several of them and can not see the ever doing anything but trying to cheer you up. Have fun with you as humor is the best medicine. I for one want to hear what they said if you would feel the need to tell me. You need to know it would not change a thing for me, there is not a doubt i my mine at all that you are going to be fine. It will hurt a bit, you will laugh a bit, cry a bit be happy a bit, sad a bit. the drugs will make you sick a bit, maybe some will make you smile a bit. You need not to worry bout your friends we too are strong people, and want only to deal with this optimism and humor as well. At lest that is what you wil get from me. I can not speak for others but I have a feeling you other friends will do the same. I understand your wishes not to have to deal with others fear and apprehensions, but my question to you, and only you know the answer to this, do you thik that the fear inside you is keeping you from sharing with your friends and they perhaps your underestimating how true your friends are, and how much we love you? Of course I feel for you, but what i feel for you has nothing to do with fear, it only has to do with helping you deal with your journey anyway I can, with humor, understanding, optimism and love. So think about letting at lest some of us walk with you during your journey, giving us the ability to learn what you are getting to learn. To cheer you up when you need it. To let you know we are not afraid for you,
I do however understand if you need to take this journey with Glenda and your family alone. I will respect your decision. But you need to be sure you are making this decision for the right reasons. The wrong reason would be for you to think you are some how protecting us. Sharing on this blog takes great courage and I honor you for this. Please know that is enough to keep us informed unless it is not enough for you. Remember my friend you have the power to make this a positive journey, I have no doubt you will. I wish for you is that if you need any help making it a positive journey that you can trust us to be there and not worry about upsetting us. Brian , I have just meet you, you think I am through with you, think again my friend. We have lots of fun ahead of us. Lots of hikes. There are lots of swimming hole around here you know nothing about just waiting for the 4 of us to go skinned dipping in. Many jokes to tell. And many memories we have yet to make. So get this shit overwith so we ca start.
namaste~I bow to your courage, strength and who knows maybe your willingness to trust in me to look you in the eye to hold your hand and walk with you if you need it. Much love to you both.~bryan
Much love to you Brian and ditto to Glenda
~bryran
Brian,
Really a horrible day---our hearts go out to you!
Your strong will and positive attitude will get you through this challenge.
Love, Wiley and Sandra
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